Date: 2009-11-16 13:52 Subject: I Finally Wrote A Letter... Security: Public

( I finally managed to write a letter I've wanted to for 7 years. here it is, copied from gmail. )

Date: 2009-11-12 21:33 Subject: Photography Security: Public

I often find that I either am not able to or have no desire to look at the work of great photographers. Either I will become jealous or I will become troubled by my own work. Insecurity is essentially what drives me away from seeing what other people are doing. But I can enjoy movies without that insecurity. That said, the cinematography in some films is astounding - is reminiscent of what I want my photography to be. I don't think i could tackle the challenges of film making. Really, discussing film would be a digression from what I wanted to say. There are certain films and certain directors where it seems like every scene is a work of photography - of photographic brilliance. The films I've seen by Tarkovsky are some of the most astounding - in that regard. Granted for a long time I had only seen Stalker and then later saw Solaris - only now am I downloading other films of his - but when I watch Stalker or certain scenes from Solaris I feel like I know what I want from photography and that I can posses it - but only if I continually press forward. Somehow I feel like I have a style that I want and that I can achieve it but that it is very far away; and yet that makes me all the happier, because somehow that is part of what makes up what I want. The distance and the impossibility of reaching that true expression is an inexorable part of achieving the true expression. It's old film, the quality is indicative of the time and the country it was from, and the exposure - every technical aspect of each frame is what you would consider now, in the age of digital cameras and online galleries - it's all antiquated and imperfect. Somehow, though, it's stronger than anything I've ever done. It's stronger than anything I've seen that's come through photoshop. If I could breathe that brilliance onto paper through ink - or have it flow through my fingers to a computer - I would be satisfied I had achieved what I had set out to achieve in deciding to take up photography as a serious pursuit.

( media behind the cut )

Date: 2009-11-11 18:25 Subject: Self Destructive Security: Public

 I've been getting pretty flat / luke warm responses to this self portrait. I think in my current mood that's what I want people to think. I think I feel like I want an uncomfortable exposure of self. So here it is, and I'll leave it public and on flickr.

Date: 2009-11-10 05:18 Subject: Photoshop Security: Public

Usually when I edit things in photoshop it's either obvious it's been heavily edited - it's in a kind of magazine style or it's obviously not real - or it's a tiny edit - something that might be possible in a dark room with a clever enough manipulator of negatives and prints.

When I say edit in this context I mean changing content - generally masking or clone stamping - things you couldn't immediately do on an enlarger or with film/paper/filter choices and basic darkroom techniques.

But this shot I felt weird about. Here's both versions in one image.

Date: 2009-11-10 01:59 Subject: New Doctor Security: Public

About 10am I started to get the shakes. I couldn't tell if it was anxiety or the neck thing or both. I smoked a cigarette, my first one in 9 or so months. It didn't calm me down at all, and the shakes only got worse. So I got a ride to the doctor (license is still suspended) and got seen.

I told my story, at this point I was stuttering pretty bad and had no ability to hide my arms and hands shaking, my whole body generally uncoordinated. Their office called my old doctor's office to get records and I waited in the little exam room alone. I started to have a panic attack, and for the most part just dealt with that. I'm not going to list symptoms - suffice to say I know what a panic attack is and that's what I was having.

I think my freaking out motivated them to try and help me. They got the records but they were incomplete, I told them about the test that showed real results, the nerve test on my arms, which wasn't in the records that were sent over. It took a very long time to get all the records. They left the door open after I told them I was panicking, but what I wanted to do was escape, and what was hurting most of all was hearing people talking and being near people or fearing they would look at me or come close, so having the door open made it worse. But as time kept dragging on I could hear they were doing some fighting on my behalf. They were told everything was sent and that no upper extremity nerve test was done, but they found in the notes where it was requested. They called someone else at the office and got ahold of the information that billing had gone through for the procedure - forcing the office to then contact the guy who did the test to have him forward another copy of the report that they had apparently lost. All of this had to be done, by the way, because they haven't called me to tell me my records were ready to pick up, which is what they said they would do when I put in a request for them a while ago.

Anyway...

The new doctor read the notes and I was still kind of freaked out and defensive, but he wasn't mean or accusatory. He said there were results consistent with a pinched nerve in the left arm from the nerve study and that the mri showed some bulging of the disk(s?). I asked if the change in curvature caused the pinch or the other way around, he said normally the pinched nerve causes spasms and those spasms change the curve. I asked him if it could really be true that all of this, the whole body symptoms and the dramatic loss of neck curvature - if all six weeks of this crap could be just that pinched nerve to start with. He said yeah. He gave me a note backdated for the last week excusing me from work until January 4th. He said he'd schedule me to see someone for weekly (probably) steroid injections to reduce the disk bulging and that he'd see me after that 8 week process. I asked him about the aflac form and he asked if I had it with me, then teased me for not bringing him anything (like the MRI disk I have). I told him that the last doctor had just looked at me like an idiot when I brought anything in (he had actually told me the mri disk was useless to him - he just needed to read the report that would be sent to him).

So I saw a new doctor - a shoulder specialist not a neck specialist - because I couldn't schedule an appointment with e neck specialist without a referral - and this guy - after obtaining my records - looked at them for maybe 10 minutes.

Now I have a diagnosis that makes sense, a treatment plan, and a forecast of how long I'll need to be out. I was even told to get them the aflac form so he could take care of it. He didn't blatantly say "bring it I will sign it" - he just chastised me for not having it then and there, but if it wasn't for my last doctor making me so freaked out about being dropped and ignored I would infer from what went on today that filling out the form would be a simple matter.

My therapist appointment can't come fast enough. Blind rage, suicidal/homicidal thoughts, then depression, then numb feelings, deeper depression, getting bent out of shape about thinking women, vacant dismissive frustration, full body constant tremor anxiety, a panic attack, then near manic relief. After maybe 45 minutes away from the doctor's office the tremors stopped. then for hours I had forgotten about the pain. Now I feel happy but my neck is sore and stiff as are my shoulders, but that's normal. It's just been way too much emotion - all of those stages of emotions have been playing out over the last 10 days. I don't feel in control of my life.

Maybe in the days to come i can actually finish cleaning my apartment. It's depressing.

here's a puppy.

Date: 2009-11-09 09:22 Subject: Mood Security: Public

I was feeling terribly depressed. I was feeling very "nobody loves me". Friends are easy for me to make. Maybe too easy, I don't know. I've had more friends than I can keep up with since shortly after starting college. But I don't feel like people want me - physically or romantically. Which isn't fair to think, since I have a boyfriend - but what I should say is that the history of my life suggests I'm in the bottom 20% or so of desirability - measured by frequency of coitus and of relationships.

Anyway. I took pictures of dogs and saw my boyfriend for a few hours - didn't sleep the night before visiting and ended up laying on a wood deck in the sunlight napping, listening to music playing from my car. I don't know that I feel better, but I feel dismissive. I feel like I have the power to say fuck it. This is the fuck-it after the storm, so to speak. I feel reckless and dismissive. I feel like I have power.

The unfortunate thing is I feel like that power is to dismiss friends and women and ignore the feelings of other people - to do whatever I want and treat people however I want - and to not give a crap about anyone's feelings - least of all my own.

At any rate, I have pictures of puppies, and more to process later (I have to limit my time in photoshop because it messes with my neck) and I have to find someone to drive me to and from the doctor, since my license is suspended and surrendered, so if I were to get pulled over driving it would be a much bigger deal.

Date: 2009-11-07 21:17 Subject: Building Security: Public

My boss asked me to do a portfolio of the building we finished a while ago, the one I was hired on to help with early on in the process. I feel like saying I built it, even though there were subcontractors and coworkers. The site layout isn't part of the portfolio or anything, it's just a way I can show the pages of the portfolio to people online, they will be printed out and bound, if the boss likes them.

I'm not setting my hopes very high, as my artistic skills tend to be devalued here, and often artistic things I do I'm told suck or are ugly. At any rate, here it is. http://alby.mootnet.us/107/


EDIT: bosses response

"Good start. When you put these pictures together put the before picture first and follow it with the remodeled picture."


I guess it could've been worse. "good start" is definitely insulting, but it's not "it sucks" insulting.

Date: 2009-11-07 17:20 Subject: Confidence and Self Worth Security: Public

It isn't really a secret that I have low self esteem. But something that is becoming more and more a curiosity to me is the way my introspection and desire for logic/truth in situations is handling that low self esteem. In the last several years I've been trying to build up more self worth. I know that there are positive aspects to myself. I can see and understand them. But the longer I spend identifying but not believing or feeling them, the more a side of me lauds those aspects and becomes passionate in expressing or defending them. It's like there's a swell of irrational belief of worth trying to build up to push back against the lack of self worth. I don't think that either is really accurate though. If I was really amazing things wouldn't play out the way they have. If I was really not worth anything things would also be quite different. Somewhere in the middle is the truth, but that's much harder to believe in or accept. It's like the more I hate myself the more I think I should love myself unconditionally. The more I feel like I'm unwanted the more I insist I'm the greatest thing out there. The key would probably be to let go, but letting go is a complicated process (and paradoxically very simple). There are times when I think I understand tao, but they're mostly when I'm not really considering the situation - which I suppose is accurate to tao.

Date: 2009-11-06 16:46 Subject: Another Update Security: Public

My mom sent me money a while ago, I think I mentioned it in the last update, it let me pay rent till new years, eat, and take care of some things.

Latest happenings: one of my cats is meowing more and more, it's really getting on my nerves, he's a big stupid baby. I think he's upset that the litter has been sifted too many times without being replaced.

I got pulled over because a cop ran my plates and my license was suspended a while back, so it's another few hundred dollars to get into the clear - and a mandatory court date in january.


ho-hum. ho-hum. just more to pile on. more that I can't do anything about. I left my car with a friend, since if I get pulled over again I can't use the "i didn't know" excuse.

I'm working on a new site for myself.
http://alby.mootnet.us/beta/

if you are out there and happen to be all stable and got your stuff together and feel like helping out, I'd say every little bit helps, but beside food I don't have anything pressing on me that isn't in the few hundred dollar range.

To take care of old ticket and the reason for my suspension: $350
To take care of the DMV and getting a new license - with fees: ~$150
The new ticket: ~$150
vehicle tax: $180
car payment at the end of this month: $330
insurance at start of next month: $100

cash on hand: ~$250
current income: nothing.
current food situation: meager but not dire.


Here's to hoping I can get a doctor to fill out a stupid fucking aflac form saying "yes this person is injured and hasn't been able to work"

Date: 2009-11-05 06:44 Subject: Update-a-ma-jigger Security: Public

Got hurt, couldn't figure out why
5 weeks going to doctor, no diagnosis, no aflac claim
Boss makes angry phone call hassling about rent/workers comp/etc
Doctor releases me to work, work refuses to allow me to work
Find out license was suspended / failure to appear fine
See Asher when someone else drives out to visit (hitch ride)
Boss accuses me of lying (but doesn't know I know he did)
Meeting where it looks like I'm as good as fired
Send angry email telling off boss
Mother sends money
Boss responds with apology (essentially)
Put some parts of stereo back together and back seat in car
Go to zoo and experience original pain (that started this whole mess)
Get quote from lawyer to handle ticket and failure to appear
Start preparing to sell non-essential possessions
Schedule appointment for therapist
Schedule appointment for second opinion from specialist
Boss offers non labor work to do - implies there will be more

I sit here and put off showering and need to clean the upper level of the apartment and go grocery shopping but am thinking about the work I have to get done today. It's good to be working again, but with so much going on it's also very nice to not have to do anything.


Click the image to see the zoo pictures.

Date: 2009-11-01 16:50 Subject: No Longer In Rediculous Pain Security: Public

The following is a reply to a comment in my last post that I realized turned into a general update post concerning my condition. The short of it is that I'm freaking out, I'm emotionally drained, I'm having a hard time, but I'm not in a lot of pain anymore - just a bit - just nagging pain now and again - and I need to be thankful for that but instead I'm worrying about everything that's happened and also now I'm worrying what people will think about me suddenly being better (and I'm worrying about if I really am better or if it will all come back as soon as I dig a trench or something)

anyhow, the comment is as follows...


The ridiculous thing is that the 5th week of my being out of work did involve significant improvement in how often and to what extent I was in pain, such that I started to phase in things like sitting up for an extended period of time. When my boss called I was still not in a position to stand or work for very long because my neck and shoulders would start to have issues and that would start causing nerve or blood flow issues down my arms. Saturday I did a bunch of housework to see before I actually went to work what work was going to be like, and though I stopped at noon and was in a lot of pain then, it didn't get as bad as it has in the past. Today, sunday, I haven't had any pain that I would say has stopped me from doing anything - though I couldn't get to sleep until very late saturday night from nagging pain.

Anyway, I say all this to say that I may actually be well enough to go back to work monday morning. I'm glad to not be in pain but I'm highly skeptical, since at several times I've thought I was better and then in a day or two was back in ridiculous pain. I'm worried it's going to look like I was faking - that people wont believe I could get better after a weekend. I'm worried that my boss will think that the only reason I went to the doctor was because of his call and that he and the doctor had me pegged as a faker and now I'm found out. But I was already going to the doctor, I still had a followup to do since the MRI, and it's not like the doctor said nothing is wrong with me, he is just unwilling to sign for aflac or take me out of work without a specific broken bone or disk or somesuch. I feel all this worry and guilt about feeling better - and I still don't honestly know if I'm ready for the level of work I do here at this company. It's still possible that I could relapse after a few days, or weeks, or hell after a month, because I still don't know if I injured anything in particular or if it was just general overuse. I don't know if whatever originally happened is better now or just less symptomatic.


It's driving me nuts. So much intense emotional stuff has happened in the last several weeks - most of it being in the last week - and being in pain every day for a month messed with my head and my emotions a lot, and then my boss was a fucking dick and the doctor was a cowardly incompetent dick, and now with no warning or transition other than the better part of a weekend I need to transition back into a job I've gotten bored and tired of - a job I feel is harming me - where I will have to face that boss who I now view as a parson harmful to my wellbeing.


At any rate, i'm expecting a call from a psychologist/psychiatrist's (I don't recall which) office on monday to schedule a first appointment - the questionairs and such. It's long, long overdue, and I haven't been able to sleep well lately and I'm afraid I'm going to knock my fucking boss on his ass if he decides to be a dick again. I really, really, really have wanted an excuse to hit him the last two days... but now I'm settling into a feeling of just giving up - surrendering to all of this and just trying to get by the next two weeks without a plan on how to get food.

I have my finances set out - I kind of have a feel for how long it will take me to get out of the hole I'm in because of that doctor. I'm so sick of asking for money from friends or family and then seeing it get pissed away, so I've kind of resolved not to ask the people I usually ask when I need food money.

My god, I can't stop rambling... This is essentially now a new post not a comment.

Date: 2009-10-31 21:18 Subject: Update Security: Public

Friday afternoon my boss called me and chewed me out for being injured, for not getting my doctor to call me back for a follow up fast enough, for being late on rent, and for ever having suggested my injury was workers comp related. The next morning I went in to see the doctor, not even asking this time if the MRI results were in, which they had at that time still never called me about. The MRI report had been there for the doctor, who told me it didn't show any disk or spinal cord irregularity or damage, so he couldn't explain my back pain. He said that because he couldn't explain why I was having back spasms he was going to release me to work and would not sign the aflac form. So I'm going back to full time work monday and I wont be getting any disability claim. So I've missed 5 weeks of working and there's no diagnosis or treatment. He just said keep taking the pills and using a heating pad.

It's been getting much better in general, and between my anger at my boss and my sadness, frustration, or just feeling numb from the whole situation - and oh yeah, my hunger from not having any food money for the next two weeks and being nearly out of a few things - I don't feel much pain. I cleaned the downstairs of my apartment and I can still ignore whatever pain is going on. So maybe it will go away on its own. Maybe my boss will think I'm a liar, I don't know, what he thinks isn't really something I can control anymore. I just have to go back to work and try to see a therapist soon - and if the pain continues get a second opinion on my neck.

Oh, and while I was cleaning downstairs I found a letter that said my license was suspended september 22nd. There was a ticket I couldn't afford that i was just ignoring to hope it would go away, and apparently that doesn't work. I don't really feel any guilt over it, though, because I've never had enough to pay it off since the time I got it.

Date: 2009-10-28 00:05 Subject: Hmm Security: Public

I believe I may be dissatisfied in general with the state of being. I don't mean anything by this post - anything dramatic - there's no subtext. I'm just unhappy and feel a need to express it.

Date: 2009-10-24 03:55 Subject: hmm Security: Public

I feel like this problem is still progressing. I woke up this morning and my right shoulder and part of the upper arm, my right two smallest fingers, my left, well, now I don't recall, wither my left smallest two fingers or my thumb and forefinger and partway down my forearm were numb, and the right side of part of my neck and cheek were stone dead numb - all of them. As soon as I moved from where I was sleeping it all came back - though I can still feel stiffness in some of those places.

Every time something goes pins and needles my first thought is that my spinal cord or the exiting nerves are being messed with. I no longer have any concept of normal everyday numbness from cut off blood flow or pinched nerves from normal bad posture or compression. Every gallop I hear is a zebra not a horse.

Sometimes it's distressing. Especially because all I know and all there is to look forward to is more tests.

Hopefully monday they will know something for sure.

Here's some images I made from MRI data they let me have:

Date: 2009-10-22 03:58 Subject: Neck Update Security: Public

the pain is becoming more varied and persistent, though for the majority of the day I am still reasonably comfortable as long as I have muscle relaxers. when it gets out of hand, though, it has become harder to get under control.

pain has started to develop lower in my chest and back, and sometimes there's significant pain in the lower back. today I was walking and my left leg started to go pins and needles from the bottom up, but I got to the couch and laid down and it went away.

the prescribed medication is insufficient, but I don't think I'll be busted by the feds for refilling early.

I have an MRI this friday, and hopefully after that I will be able to start some kind of treatment.

My aflac claim hasn't gone through. I'm going to have to call and see what the hold up is with the doctor filling out the form. I am out of money. I will get a check for 1 day of work on friday and I got Ford to defer my car payments till late november. I believe I have enough food to make it another 7 days at least.

my rent is deducted from my checks, so I will probably only be a little short this time around, so I should have a month to get the claim money and pay rent. my neck hurts a lot right now, despite 1.6 grams of ibuprofen and 2 muscle relaxers. it just feels funny, moving it when it's stiff. it was really stiff earlier and I tried to stretch and felt an odd sharp sensation from the spine.

so


I'm a little worried and I'm trying to stay positive. I have managed to be pretty happy through this whole thing. It is really nice to finally have time off work.


EDIT:

I just went and got a glass of water and by the time I got back to the couch my left foot was pins and needles. so.... I guess I'm gonna avoid walking more than I have been. that shit kinda scares me.

Date: 2009-10-21 20:22 Subject: No Parking Security: Public

The parents of kids that go to the batting "center" across the street (which is actually pretty cool, it's a practice and coaching facility for batting, not just batting cages but a trainer on site and stuff like that) have started parking in my spot more often than usual. I thought I had solved the problem when I put up a giant "NO PARKING VIOLATORS WILL BE TOWED" sign, but I guess they don't care. I keep parking behind people but I always move before they leave because I don't actually want to be a dick and have a conflict over it. So tonight I typed this up and put it on tonight's offender's windshield. It's really dickish, but I do my best dickery in written format. I think I will use this for each violator.


I know that the sign that I put up is terribly complicated, and I appologize for that, but in an effort to clarify the issue, please don't park in the spot marked no parking. I live in this building and have recently suffered from a spinal injury, so extra walking has become particularly annoying. Thank you in advance for parking elsewhere and for helping to educate other parents as to what "no parking" means.

Date: 2009-10-10 14:32 Subject: Moneh Security: Public

I've been unable to work for two weeks now. From the x-ray I've had and a nerve pathway test I know that the portion of my spine above the shoulder has lost its curvature. That change in shape has impinged on the various nerves exiting the spine. What that means, in practical terms, is that I've always got some kind of pain, or tingling, or numbness, or dull sensation, or weakness, somewhere in my upper back, shoulders, arms, hands, or neck. Most of the time it's just a constant pain in one shoulder or the other, and the more odd symptoms are fairly brief, unpredictable, but seldom occur. I'm also prescribed muscle relaxers, which cause weakness, drowsiness, and may be effecting my mood and judgement a little. I've been spending the vast majority of the day laying down, as that helps prevent more intense pain or exotic symptoms. The symptoms seem to be cumulative, in that the more work I do the more the symptoms manifest, or the more time I spent standing or walking. But by laying down enough of the day I am able to walk around and do some chores and errands without too much pain. Sometimes there isn't any pain at all, lately, and that's good.

I'm going to the doctor monday to get his opinion on what I should do these next two weeks while I wait for an MRI appointment. Under the doctor's advisement I may return to work, though I don't currently think it's very safe.

At any rate, I've been out of work for 2 weeks. I used up all my vacation time to get a paycheck for one of those weeks, and I wont be receiving a check this coming friday. I have short term disability insurance through aflac but I'm having a hard time getting my agent to return or take my calls. I will presumably get a check from them eventually, but I am already behind on my budget.

So, if you have 5 or 10 bucks that you don't want to ever see again, I would appreciate it. Microwave pizzas and marijuana aren't going to buy themselves. (though your money is more likely to go to bread, milk, and a late car payment.)